Every now and then, a post comes across my social media feed with an interesting message. “The dog of your dreams is not the dog in front of you,” it points out. It goes on to say that our dogs need us to appreciate them and relate to them for who they are rather than who we might wish them to be. It is excellent mindful advice. Doubtless it’s more true in some cases than others, but the underlying wisdom is practically universal. There are always differences between what we want and expect compared with what we actually experience in any relationship.
It’s been just over 2 months since Lily Rose – a now 14 month old Yellow Labrador Retriever – joined our family. We’d said a very sudden and painful goodbye to Daisy – our 13+ year old labra-daughter – back in July, and for the first time in 34 years, we were without a dog in our home. We missed Daisy deeply, and realized that we also simply missed the presence of a dog in our day to day routine. So a little sooner than we had anticipated being ready, we began exploring options to adopt a new dog. Our intent was to find a dog who’d be a relatively easy fit, not requiring much in the way of training to modify problem behaviors. A puppy would be ideal. So – of course – when we were asked whether we’d be open to a dog who would be “a project” after all,” we saw fate smiling at us and decided Lily Rose was the dog for us. As the saying goes, “Both things can be true.” Lily Rose is indeed the right dog for us, and she certainly IS a project.
As far as being “a project” goes, it was inevitable if we’re being realistic. Welcoming any new dog into our home would have taken some adjustment. When we said goodbye to Daisy last summer, we known each other intimately for a long time. We’d had 13 years of practice sharing our lives. There was no guesswork needed to meet each other needs and preferences. We knew each others rhythms as well as any family can. As we began our life with Lily Rose, the obvious quickly became clear – she’s her own dog with her own history, perspective, preferences, and quirks.
Looking at it from her point of view, what else would a reasonable person expect? In the space of a week she was removed from everything familiar, transported across the country, and placed into a totally new situation. Her previous family had different expectations, different ways of communicating, different rules and routines, and – like all of us – quirks of their own. No doubt Lily had a developed a comfort zone of behaviors that worked for her there. I imagine she must have found us very puzzling for the first month or so. (Yeah – we have quirks, too.)
We certainly found her puzzling – that’s for sure. As we came to learn, she much prefers playing “tug-of-war” and “keep away” to fetch for instance, which seems weird for a retriever. We were quite accustomed and comfortable playing nearly endless fetch with Daisy. It’s been awkward figuring out how to play with Lily Rose. Also, she likes to chew and shred toys A LOT. Our floors are now frequently covered with the tattered remnants of unrecognizable plush toys. She likes to pull on leash (HARD), and she’s VERY wary of handling for nail trims and other grooming details. Daisy had long been a lovely companion on walks and nicely cooperative for grooming.
Regarding the dog in front of us, those are just a few of the differences we’re figuring out how to accommodate and train for. As I read those last few sentences, the challenges don’t seem that profound in print, but candidly there are times when we’ve felt exasperated. It’s a little humbling.
Nonetheless, both things ARE true! Lily Rose IS without a doubt the right dog for us, the “project factor” notwithstanding. She’s affectionate and cuddly, adores learning new tricks (it’s all tricks the way we approach training), and has an exquisitely gentle and deferential temperament. It’s only fair to say she’s been at least as patient and gentle with us as we’ve been with her while we all make our way forward. Simply put, her personality is “like butter,” and that’s SO MUCH more important to us than the the good manners and husbandry skills that need some polish. As was only to be expected, we’re brushing up some training skills we haven’t needed for a while, and we realize that we’re so fortunate to have this sweet new labra-daughter with whom we can learn and grow.
She’s already made lovely progress. Her fetching and leash walking skills are getting better every day. She’s become very comfortable with mini nail trims thanks to the brilliant vet techs at at our Fear Free Veterinarian’s office, and she makes mostly excellent chewing choices (with the notable exception of the downstairs carpet she tore up).
Both things are true – Lily Rose is the dog in front of us and is becoming the dog of our dreams, precisely as our dreams evolve around who she is and away from who we expected her to be. To think of this relationship as anything less than a “win- win” would just be silly.
The dog in front of us is not the dog we dreamt of as we were grieving Daisy and imagining our life with a new family member. Yet with mutual patience and love (and the priceless encouragement from some dear friends), it’s easy to see that we all hit the jackpot and are as lucky as any of us could have hoped to be as we all build this new family together.
Here’s wishing you – and the dog in front of you – a very happy and peaceful New Year.
Bob Ryder, CSAT, PMCT-2, CPDT-KA